Happiness

I was cleaning out my blogging drafts in lue of actually blogging and came across an unfinished piece called “Is Bliss Boring?”.  The main question I wanted to explore in that entry was about films and books and how you never see stories of total happiness where nothing goes wrong.  Something dramatic must happen (losing family, pet, tragic accident, whatever) to make the person realize the lesson or moral or whatever point is trying to be made by the creator of the story.  That was the entry, but going back I reexamine that question in a more personal sense due to the recent changes that I’ve had in my life. 

In short.   I’m dating the girl I love.  I met her about a year ago and within 10 minutes of knowing her I wanted to be with her, and it’s finally come to pass.  And for the past six weeks I’ve been in a state of bliss.  Truly.  I feel so…settled and comfortable in my own skin.  Perhaps it’s because I know there is someone in the world who truly accepts me as I am that I now able to be happy.  It’s not the best that I need approval from anyone (that whole: “You should be true to yourself and screw everyone else” cliche’ comes to mind at the moment) but I guess it’s part of my social nature.  But having found that acceptance, I am truly happy.  A long way to come for me.

I’ve never been this way.  Not really.  Happiness for me was something I always thought was unattainable.  I thought the most I would ever be able to be would be content, to be able to tolerate existence.  I never thought I’d enjoy existence, not every moment of it.  I certainly have had moments of happiness, but I’ve never experienced a total state of bliss as that which I’m currently in and have existed in for the past six weeks.  It’s like a different realm of reality.  It’s simply wonderful.  I wake up and smile.  I feel wrapped in a bubble that will protect me from any bad or negative thing.  Certainly a long way for me from the darkest corners of depression.  It’s been a long road, but I believe with certainty that I have left depression behind for good.

Being depressed I always looked behind, to various missed opportunities (at least in my opinion) to be happy.  Times when I screwed up and did the wrong thing or didn’t do anything that kept me from experiencing happiness.   No more am I like this.  I no longer look back to mistakes (well I don’t look back nearly as much) but instead look forward to continued bliss.  Happiness in this context for me is having a girlfriend I’m totally in love with and who I know loves me back.  The certainty of my feelings and my certainty that she feels the same for me gives me strength and a foundation with which to face anything.  I feel like I have added another rock to my life that I can anchor too.  Previously I had my family, now I have my love as well.  Both are excellent bedrock in my life, but this new foundation makes me look forward to building a future, as opposed to my family, which is very much something old.  Not old in a bad way, but this new thing I believe will make me grow much more as a man and person than my immediate family does.

I honestly can’t believe I’ve arrived at this point with this person.  It’s finally sinking in.  At first I was in a constant state of “OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!” but now I’ve accepted that this isn’t a dream and really enjoy it.  I’m not holding my breath either, waiting for some tragedy to happen or for it to crumble.  I’ve been there done that.  Depression for me was alot about looking for deadfalls, and upon seeing what appeared to be a deadfall (whether real or not) stopping for fear of the consequences.  I’m done with that.  I’m not afraid of the consequences of my actions, I’m only afraid of not acting because of fear of consequences that might or might not happen.  I’m no longer pessimistic because I’ve learned that sometimes things do work out.

Look for enough deadfalls and you might find one.  If you don’t find a real one you might in your constant looking decide to manufacture one that you expect to arrive.  After all the movies and books say that the drama is supposed to exist, so it must come right?  Bad things happen to those happy people in the movies, won’t they happen to happy people in real life as well?  Perhaps, but perhaps a continual state of bliss is possible, although they’d never make a movie of a totally blissful relationship, that would be boring.  Bliss might be boring, but I’m loving every moment of it.